after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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