I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
