mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
