Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
