Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
