1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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