my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
