Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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