I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
