if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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