I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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