My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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