Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I did not marry a roomba.
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