btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize