I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
