I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
