Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
