I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
