seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
