Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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