I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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