I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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