We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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