If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
