dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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