Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You dont lie about slip and slides
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
