I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
