I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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