your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
