I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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