Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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