LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She even gives head with a lisp.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
