life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
