I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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