i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
