or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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