On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
