Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
