worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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