Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
