you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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