My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
