Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
