you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
