Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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