just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
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