Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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