Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize