did you get engaged???
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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