you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
