bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
