Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
