Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
this just has baby written all over it
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
