Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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