I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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