I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I came so hard my ears popped.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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