every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
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